Nov 27, 2016 – Everywhere I look, everything I see, and everything I hear reminds me of you. I search for signs that you are here with me, and talk with you as if you are sitting right here with me as you once were. There is a comfort that I feel in those moments, but my heart isn’t in that same place.
Reality did a job on me today. I convinced myself to make a trip to the store, something I’ve avoided. The trip to the store was quiet; no laughing from the back seat. Even getting the cart sent me into a flashback of picking you up to get in, or watching your little body climb the side to get in yourself. Those little things that go unnoticed at the time, but are so precious to me right now.
I’m sure I could describe every child in the store. I watched them interact with their parents. I hope they didn’t think I was a stalker. What came to mind? I wanted to stand in the middle of the store and tell each one of them to hug their child, and cherish every moment with them. I was happy for them, but it was difficult to pushed the tears back as I wandered around the store.
I am not sure why, but I spend time wandering in the Christmas section, and then found myself amongst the toys. I would be shopping for your presents right now with daddy. We always had fun in the store. I was always so proud of you, because you never questioned when you couldn’t pick something out. For some reason you understood.
After a couple hours I made it to the checkout. Your favorite part of the store! You always looked forward to helping empty the cart, and looking at all the gum. You sure loved gum and breath mints. I still have the gum I bought before you were to visit for Halloween. I just walked to my car, and headed back on the quiet trip home. I looked in the mirror, but didn’t see your smiling face looking back at me. I never told you this, but I loved catching glimpses of you looking at me with a smile on your face.
My heart is so broken. It is hard to face the reality of life without you, but it would be even harder to face the reality without all the beautiful memories I have of you. Your sweet smile, the happiness in your laugh, the glances of you in the mirror, our walks to the park, and most of all the hugs you gave, the I love yours you spoke, and even your high fives.
Hugs, kisses and high fives. I love you forever