Moments of grief can be triggered by the smallest things. As strange as it sounds, this morning it was toilet paper that brought me to tears. It sounds so silly, but yet so real.
My tears were sparked by the numerous conversations Kiyana and I had on the topic of toilet paper and the correct way to hang it. In reality it was Kiyana teaching me the proper etiquette. You had to know her maturity to appreciate the conversation, but to her it was serious business. I played right along, because I loved our conversations. Even the ones that seemed trivial were special to me.
These days I deal with grief day by day, and do my best to maintain strength when I wake up each morning. The hardest moments are triggers like this, which slap me in the face with the reality and finality of her loss. Knowing that she will never return and I will never experience those comical converations or the wisdom from the precious mind of a 4 year old.
She taught me the proper way to add toilet paper, but it was so much more than that. Who would think something like this would bring so much emotion, but it is one more thing I have of her to cherish.. Little things mean so much now, and leave me to wonder what other great moments would have come from her creative and curious mind? Unfortunately, that is something I will never know.
I do know that Kiyana inspired me, and that having her in my life made me a better person. That is what motivates me each day. I want to make her proud. I use the memories of her to get me through each day, even when they make the day more difficult. It is all I have.
For others who are grieving, know that I understand your pain, your heartache, and your emptiness. There are definitely days that I want to give up, but I won’t. That is not what Kiyana would want, and not what my family deserves. We have experienced enough loss for a lifetime. We have not choice but to find our way through this new life we must face.
Kiyana, thank you for bring so much to my life. I love you always.